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29thsignalwife

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(no subject) [Jan. 20th, 2008|08:58 am]
29thsignalwife
Well,
We have finally gotten official orders out of Fort Lewis!!! I have mixed feelings about this due to how long we have been here(7 years).
We are headed to Fort Gordon for Jason to be an instructor for his MOS.
I am going to go thru alot of changes since I have not lived in the south for a longggggg time. But looking forward to change.

Have lots to get done and things I want to do and places I wanna go see before we leave this state. Jason says he doubts we will come back here to live again, even though he is from here.

Well, gotta go start sorting thru things!
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Can I just scream sometime soon? [Nov. 13th, 2006|05:57 pm]
29thsignalwife
[Current Mood |angryangry]

I am soooo frustrated with how things are going in my medical care right now.
I had a call from ____ with UW trying to schedule me to go in TOMORROW for a needle biopsy of my tumor that is near sciatic nerve.
Him: Hello. This is __ I am calling to give you your arrival time for your CT guided biopsy of the tumor at UW.
ME: Um.... No.. I had an EXCISIONAL biopsy done on 11/2/06. Just got told last week that its Maligant and also have spots on my lung.
Him: well i dont know why they still need to do this needle one then.
ME: well they arent going to do one, as my doctor never told me they needed to do it.
So, I called up to my doctor's nurse, who called me back and long story short, when tricare first denied the excisional 3 weeks ago. They were going to do a needle biopsy. UNTIL MEDICAL DIRECTOR OF TRICARE talked to my doctor he then approved the excisional which I had. so there was a cross in paperwork and the idiot that called me never saw the word CANCEL ACROSS THE SCREEN! Anyways. My ortho oncologist says that I have a osteosarcoma. The person I have to see to get started on the chemo to shrink the tumor in order to get this beast outta me, is not 100 percent convinced that is what it is. So they sent the pathology over to the Mayo clinic last week to get them to look at it to get their opion. I was told last week I would know today after the tumor board met, that I would get the final result. Well I got the call and I guess Mayo clinic can not make a final determination so they are calling someone else due to I guess it was still growing or something weird was going on. I aM SOOO FRUSTRATED.. the longer they put this off, the more this tumor is growing in me. THE LONGER I AM OUT OF WORK CAUSE I CANT SIT IN A CHAIR FOR 8 HOURS STRAIGHT A DAY.. the longer i have to stay on pain meds AS THE ONLY PART I CAN FEEL IS RIGHT AT THE HIP. OTHER THAN THAT I DONT HAVE anything but tingling like your leg is asleep the rest of the way down my leg. they stuck me with needles, they pinched me till i was black and blue and i didnt feel it. I am tired of this. I am frustrated. i AM MAD cause my husband thinks that i should be dealing with this a different way and better way... I have someone who I thought was a friend on a military support board that I have now learned is only a friend when it benefits her. I think I just want to go back to my hermit life style. I am worried that my husband is going to get in trouble cause they havent even done nothing major on me regarding all this yet they requested him home on emergency leave from IRAQ and here I sit. and now the entire unit is home from IRAQ and still I sit here. I am sooo fed up. We are supposed to go on vacation to Las Vegas in DEC and I am not even looking forward to it. I dont even care to go anymore. Why? I already suffer from depression, am on meds for it. was doing very very well. until all this hit. and now I am not. I will admit depression has set in. My husband is a good man dont get me wrong. He is just not a very good understanding one as far as helping me deal with things like this. I had a stroke last year and he was in total denial of it. he would not even read the books the doctos wanted him to read. I dont know if its fear or what.. but all it does is hurt me inside. I feel like I am battling this alone. I know there are other people out there in the world going thru this. but I dont have any family. all I have is my husband. and right now as I sit here and type this, he is drinking a beer watching football.
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I cant get out of this funk no hard how I try [Nov. 11th, 2006|10:43 pm]
29thsignalwife
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]

I just cant handle feeling like this. Nothing is making me feel better. I am feeling overwhelmed. I feel like pushing everyone away from me. I can not go back to work until I get all my medical treatment due to all the different appts I have and that I can not sit for 8 hours straight without having to get up in between. and the meds I take mess with me at times also. The news of the tumor in sciatic nerve has rreally taken a toll on me. especially now that they said there are 2 spots on my lung and I have a small non related mass on my thyroid that i have to get a needle biopsy for. I am scared. I am starting very aggressive chemo soon. I get 2 doses.. then a pet scan to see if it shrunk enough to have surgery to remove the tumor. if not, i get 2 more doses. then another scan. Hubby and I are supposed to go to Vegas in Dec for 5 days for vacation and I have lost all excitedness about going. He even took me out of the house tonight for a few hours to a casino for dinner and we gambled a little bit, ( I won 500 bucks, but I didnt even get excited about it) How does one not keep their mind off their medical stuff when every few days they have to go the the doctor for testings.. and also swallow about 30 pills a day?
I am also sooo tired of people accusing me of not being sick cause I dont look sick or act sick. I am usually a very highly motivated very active person.. i wish i could go back to work. I am even going to ask doc if he will at least consider me to go back part time for me. 3 days a week or something. just to get me out of the house. I need to do something. I am going stir crazy in the apt...... I do not mean this to be a pity party. but its driving me nuts cause I know until I get this chemo going and it all done, they wont take the tumor out till then. and the dang thing is still growing in me till then. so why not do something that I at least enjoy to try to brighten my mood. I cant travel to visit my friends in another state. and right now the soonest she can come here is after January.. but she will be here then!! I also have another friend coming sooon into town, but not sure how much I will get to see her.. she has lots to do while she is here. grr.. I guess today is just a bad day.

susan
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worried [Jul. 30th, 2006|01:54 pm]
29thsignalwife
[Current Mood |worriedworried]

I got asked to help out with something. So I did and now I feel that I made a situation worse due to issues that were there before I even got involved. and Now I am even more concerned about the whole matter cause I am a nurse and care about all parties involved and due to situation that occured last night can not speak to ANY of the involved parties as one of them wont talk to me. one cant talk to me. and one I cant get ahold of!
There is a friend that knows about this situation as she has known these people for alot longer than me. But right now I am at work and feeling pretty crappy cause I am concerned. I should not let it get to me due to my own health issues and stuff. But I care cause it concerns a friend's family. I feel helpless right now all the way around and just want to crawl in a hole and stay there!!!!!
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OMG talk about CHAOTIC [Jul. 1st, 2006|09:43 am]
29thsignalwife
[Current Mood |stressedstressed]

my life has changed so dramatically that I still am not caught up, but I would not change it for the world right now. To spare all the details, I will make this brief as I am also very exhausted. In the middle of June I got my niece ( husband's niece biological) for the summer cause her mom " didnt have the money to do anything with her and niece was missing me". I enrolled her in summer camp here at base via I had guardianship paperwork and commandsponsorship. well since all that happened it has been brought to both my attention and authorities attention ( cps, etc) that niece has been being emotional and physically abused by my husband's sister. So we had no option but to take legal action against her in order to keep niece from going into state custody. I will just say sister in law has issues with drugs and other things. and is known to cps. I had her served with restraining order and all the court stuff and within an hour of her being served I had 23 calls from her which I had to report to Police. She then called a friend of mine trying to talk to them. She then emailed my husband who she can not contact either per restraining order. she then has been harassing the law enforcement agencys to where they have told her to not contact them anymore or she will be charged with harassing them. that she needs to go to the courthouse in her county and take it up with them. My niece thanks to a very rude mp who called my home at 1130 at night to tell me that my sil was calling them and he wanted to ask me some things ( i was laying with her watching a movie trying to settle her down, and when phone rang all she heard was this is officer so and so from _____ ___ police and I left the room. SHe freaked out thinking her mom was trying to access base to come "kill" her. everything has been sent to command downrange and now I am just PRAYING TO GOD they allow him to come home on emergency leave. Our attorney is requesting his presence and so is the courts. I had to miss chemo treatment and I had even forgotten to pick up medication that was needed due to 4 days straight of dealing with all this stuff of my niece and trying to protect her. I have picked up the med and working on getting back on track with everything. My health has suffered GREATLY this last week. but as anyone will tell you I will go out on a limb to protect this little girl and with the information we now know.... all I can do now is pray my husband is sent home to be here for the court hearing. and now with my best frient moving in less than 10 days it is even sadder to me. due to if my husband is not sent home on leave, this time will be very difficult for me to go thru.
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feeling really bewildered [Jun. 20th, 2006|09:28 pm]
29thsignalwife
[Current Mood |pissed offpissed off]

How do I even write this out without either making myself sound like an ass or something else? but then again this is my journal .... so... right now I am in tears.. I just got DEVASTING NEWS from my doctors from lab results.. after i just got home from spending the day with a friend. There are many people that are concerned about her, and it seems like she doesnt care. it seems like she is just blowing it off.. i dont know.. right now... I feel alone. I also know that in like 3 weeks i will become once again the hermit i used to be.. i will go to appts.. and then come home and stay home. I have 5 months of this damn deployment left. and its going to go slow. i am tired of getting worse news from the doctors.
and people wonder why i dont really go out and do things with people or why i want to just isolate.
I dont even like being in my house now cause of someone giving me a ton of attitude when i havent even done nothing wrong. I really cant take much more . its sad that i used to be able to go without taking my xanax and now i have to use it. i HATE THAT.. I HATE IT .. I HATE THIS WHOLE CANCER THING... I HATE THAT I CANT HELP MY FRIEND.. I HATE THAT I AM BEING BITCHED AT FOR CRAP THAT I DONT EVEN DO... BUT JUST CAUSE A CERTAIN PERSON WANTS TO BITCH AT SOMEONE. I JUST WANT TO GO IN MY ROOM AND STAY THERE TILL MY HUSBAND COMES HOME IN 5 MONTHS.... FUCK EVERYTHING.
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Feeling irritated and having to bite the tongue [Jun. 19th, 2006|02:44 pm]
29thsignalwife
[Current Mood |frustratedfrustrated]

Have you ever been in a position to where you knew something was not right, but in order to not offend anyone you had to keep your comments to yourself so that you didnt offend one of the people you care about? That is how I am feeling. I thought it was just me noticing things about a situation going on, but after talking with someone about it, apparently I am not the only one noticing this. Yet I have to keep reminding myself that it is not my issue that I can only be there as a friend if I am needed. It just really upsets me that this kind of thing is going on and is being tolerated. I guess people just have different levels of dealing with issues than what I do. But I know if i had to go thru what this one person has to go thru I sure as HELL would not be tolerating it. SO hats off to her for it! for being such a trooper and dealing it so well.
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Irriatated as hell right now [Jun. 3rd, 2006|10:02 pm]
29thsignalwife
I went out today and drove for HOURS!!! I left the house at 6am and didnt come back till 830 pm. I wound up going to EASTERN Washington. I just wanted to get out and do some thinking. I have alot on my mind. And now I am irritated that my spouse has been able to come online and read all his emails, and do things with his fantasy sports crap, but he COULDNT send me not ONE quick EMAIL? Not even just a I LOVE YOU? WTH? I will say that he called me earlier ( I was in a dead area) and left me a quick message saying how he came in on his off day to call me but he would call me back tonight my time( which its night now) and so far no call. I am just in a irritated mood. Have been in a bad mood for a couple of days now. I have spoken with the cancer society line and also the therapist 24 hour line about how I am feeling. I am just feeling drowned in emotions right now. My dog is acting way out of character of her norm. getting into stuff that she normally doesnt get into. ( getting things off counters, and doing thing that she shouldnt be doing... AND NOT MY DAMN HUSBAND JUST CALLED ME AND MY PHONE DIDNT EVEN RING.. I JUST NOTICED I HAD A VOICE MAIL.... AND IT WAS HIM.. why me? I just emailed him and HOPING HE GETS IT! GRRRR>>. I cant take MUCH MORE....
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In a grumpy mood tonight [Jun. 2nd, 2006|10:52 pm]
29thsignalwife
It just seems like I am irritated tonight. I have many reasons to be this way. But of course noone seems to understand them. Here it is almost 11pm. I am bored out of my mind. And its me and the dog. I have been sleeping sooo much lately that even the dog is bored due to non activity. I am thinking about just taking off tomorrow and staying away from the house for the entire day. I have no clue to where or anything. But just get in the car and go. I wish I knew more about livejournal so that I could figure out how to get hooked up with more groups like the cancer one and stuff. but I am still new to this stuff. I just come on here to journal my thoughts as I am doing tonight. Well tonight it might seem LIke I am rambling. Jason has not called in 2 days. But I am sure he is busy. I went out earlier to the PX to try to find smallville series to get him so that I could mail it to him to give him a little suprise. Wasn't there. So guess I will have to hit up Bestbuy or something later on. Well enough rambling for now.
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I just give up [May. 28th, 2006|09:15 pm]
29thsignalwife
It just seems world is just spinning out of control. First get slammed with cancers diagnosed. then started on this nasty chemo med. And have to deal with stupid other drama crap. I have issues going on with DH's SIL that involve a child that I care alot about. but I am so close to saying %*(* everything. I am emotional mess. My best friend has no choice but to move away in a month due to they are getting out of the army. At least I will get to see her baby. I know she isnt happy about going. Which that bothers me. I have other reasons for being worried about her going out there, but I will keep those to myself. I keep alot of my feelings to myself. if it wasnt for my niece here all thise week I would be staying in my room and not comign out at all.
I have had to start wearing bandandas as I can notice my hair changing due to chemo. My mouth has sores in it from the chemo. I do not even want to eat. GEE and to think I had anorexia when I was younger. I was looking thru pictures that were just taken in MARCH OF THIS YEAR and noticed how much weight I have lost.. OMG. its tremendous amount. AND TO think I still have a ways to go before my hubby comes homes. I bet i will be at least 150-160 before he gets home. wow. oh well . I frigging give up. I am finding going to therapy anymore no help. I am thinking about canceling going to talk to her.
I am going to go back to my hermit self once cris and ben go to vermont. but at least i will email cris every now and then so i can see how she is doing out there. Now I am off to go put my niece to bed so I can once again cry to sleep.
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